Can't He or Won't He?

Children often do not live up to adult expectations – they don't sit still when asked to, don't do their homework, don't get good enough grades, get upset easily and are hard to calm down, cannot be reasoned with, make the same mistakes over and over again… parents, teachers, judges and case workers ask "What will it take to make him accept responsibility?"

The question begs another question, "Can't he or won't he?" What seems like willful disobedience may be the result of skills deficits. In turn, these skills deficits can be the result of many different influences – neurological immaturity, family dynamics, temperamental factors, developmental delays, lack of opportunity to learn critical life lessons, and more.

Every society has expectations of what self-regulation skills children will have mastered at different ages, and systems such as schools, sports programs, healthcare, etc. are organized around these expectations. When children do not meet these expectations, systems may not be able to accommodate them. What do we do with a second grader who is more like a pre-kindergartener in that he does not stay in his seat? Can't he or won't he? And then there's the seventh grader whose homework is never turned in on time. Can't she or won't she? The nine year old foster child who has a meltdown when told "No". Can't he or won't he understand? What about the child who stays upset and can't get back to "normal"? Can't he or won't he?

"He should know better" is often the reaction of adults to such behaviors. Sometime children don't know any better and are simply doing the best they can to manage their distress and discomfort. Reasoning and punishment only make the problem worse. When these problems persist into adolescence, the consequences can be serious for the youth and others.

In this workshop, participants will:

• Understand the concept of "self-regulation" and its implications for understanding and working with children
• Learn about neurological, biological, and psychological influences on a child's ability to manage and regroup from distress, anger and emotional upsets.
• Identify key indicators to help differentiate "can't" from "won't"
• Learn the concept of "scaffolding" to strengthen children's self-regulation skills

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