What is Childhood For?

We tend to agree that childhood is about learning, about preparing to become an adult. We agree that children need adults to watch out for them, to teach them what it takes to be an adult in our society, be successful and stay our of trouble. Why then ask such an obvious question as “What is childhood for?” Where’s the debate, the disagreement?
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Here’s where:

1. We have different ideas about which childhood lessons are critical for healthy/happy/successful adulthood. Some say it’s obedience of the rules and ways of living that have served us well for generations. Others say it’s all about self-expression and fulfilling one’s destiny.
2. We disagree about how to teach the lessons we think are critical. Some say adults know best and should set out the lessons. Others say we should let children set the pace.
3. We certainly don’t agree on what to do when children, as they are likely to do, don’t follow our plans! What do we do with the clingy vine that won’t stray far from the spot where it first put down roots? And what indeed do we do with the wild kudzu that takes over wherever it goes and grows?

Each of these questions is even more urgent when the children in question have been exposed to traumatic experiences so that their age, fragility, and lack of safety make them more vulnerable.

Their parents have often been victims of similar childhoods. 

When these children come into foster care, when we meet them in the classroom, our usual ways of thinking about childhood and growing up, child rearing and discipline, our expectations of parents and our own assumptions about what it takes to “make it” in life… they are all challenged in ways we are often unprepared for. It’s as if we are gardeners who learn how to grow a plant from seed, but when bad weather and disasters happen, when a plant has to be moved to a new place… our knowledge isn’t as useful and our attempts to “will” the plant into growing in its new location are often unsuccessful.

The National Scientific Council on the Developing Child is a multidisciplinary panel of scientists who bring together state of the art knowledge and its implications for public policy. In their report, The Foundations of Lifelong Health Are Built in Early Childhood, they make clear, we can’t afford not to provide every growing child with the optimal conditions for healthy development. Their findings highlight how important it is for us to pay attention to how development unfolds and what happens when trauma short-circuits this process. 

Whenever I speak to a group of parents or professionals, we inevitably have a lively discussion about these issues and here are some of the concepts I try to convey:

• Childhood is for growing up. It’s the time when, after a long wait, the seed sprouts its first shoots; the stem gets longer and splits, spurring new growth. Growing up takes time and it takes adult guidance and encouragement. Childhood is for learning, not for being tested; for growing up, not for being grown.
• Children need a “growth promoting environment”, which offers them the necessities for growing up well. Just as plants need soil, water and sun, children need Safety, Love and Stimulation. Unconditional love is like water that nourishes the plant. You wouldn’t water a plant after it grows big, red roses, would you? Then how can love for children be conditional? You’ll get love after you follow my rules, get good grades, make your bed… or whatever condition we set up for them to measure up to?
• ​As children develop and learn, their capacity to manage more and more of their own needs increases. The infant needs the caregiver to do everything for him, but at a few months he can hold his known bottle, then hold his own spoon, then ask for what he wants to eat… before you know what, he’s capable of fixing himself something to eat! The wise caregiver is alert to what the child can do for himself, what he’s learning to do for himself and what he’s not yet ready to learn. 

Dr. Sunaina Rao Jain
Child & Adolescent Clinical Psychologist
Founder, CEO
Pathways Transition Programs